Finding Her Voice; Finding happiness.

Tag Archives: Rape

He married her, paid her bride price, probably with his own money or not. That makes her his personal property, that gives him all the right, to use her as he pleases, whenever he pleases.

Believe it or not, that is the mindset of some Nigerian male folk, even in this present day and age. It is a very simple logic that requires no argument. I have come across many of them with that point of view. He went to the human market, searched for this particular woman who interested him on some level, then he ‘purchased’ her with a bride price and legalised it with the wedding ceremonies. Then from the market he brought the ‘lucky’ woman to his home. He considers her lucky because there are too many women looking for a man to save them. I am sure you know what happens when supply exceeds demand. He saved her from that horrible situation.

In his home, a little above a purchased slave, she is to provide all his needs whenever they come up and this includes giving her body to him whenever the urge to plough her arises in him. She CANNOT say no, she dare not deny him of his conjugal rights, even when she is not able to perform that duty. If she is stupid or stubborn enough to refuse  her dear husband, then she must be forced to submit to her husband’s needs. Why else did he marry her if not to satisfy his needs at all times?

The Nigerian constitution, unlike that of most developed nations, does not regard marital rape as an offence on its own. Section 357 of the Nigerian Criminal Code Act, CAP 77, LFN 1990 definition of rape:

“Any person who has unlawful carnal knowledge of a woman or girl, without her consent, or with her consent, if the consent is obtained by force or by means of false threats or intimidation of any kind, or by fear of harm, or by means of false or fraudulent representation as to the nature of the act, or in case of a married woman, by personating her husband is guilty of an offence called rape”.

The Nigerian Penal Code defines rapes thus:

“A man can be held guilty of rape if he has sexual intercourse with a woman without her consent, or with her consent, if consent was unlawfully obtained”.

The criminal code further describes  ‘unlawful carnal knowledge’ as

“carnal connection which takes place otherwise than between husband and wife.”

This lends a different twist to the whole definition.  It gives the husband the right to have sexual intercourse with his wife, with or without her consent.  The Penal Code on the it’s part further states  that

Sexual intercourse by a man with his own wife is not rape, if she has attained to puberty.

In essence, both Laws inadvertently give the husband the right to rape or love his wife as he pleases so far as he is recognised as the husband.

The World Health Organisation (WHO) however describes rape as

 “Physically forced or otherwise coerced penetration – even if slight – of the vulva or anus, using a penis, other body parts or an object.”

This offers a more balanced and encompassing definition of rape.

Due to the fact that the Nigerian Law does not yet recognise marital rape nor consider it a crime, most people, male and female alike, see nothing wrong in the act.

My submission is that RAPE IS RAPE irrespective of who is involved or how it is carried out so far as there is a form of coercion.

Sometimes the woman will not be in the mood, sometimes, she is too tired or ill. I believe that instead of forcibly taking what you consider yours, a little love and care might soften her up. A little understanding and patience would not be such a terrible idea.

It is also possible that the sexual life of the couple is not healthy. These are things that communication can address easily rather than forcibly claiming ownership. In my book, raping your spouse is not just sheer evil, it is cowardice. It can erode trust and love faster than infidelity, if you ask me. I doubt if there can be much pleasure in forcing your wife into sex.

It would do us a world of good if theNigerian Law will criminalise marital rape. 




A posthumous Happy birthday to Michael Jackson who would have been 57 yesterday the 29th day of August. The heading of this post is borrowed from one of his numerous hit songs, Man in The Mirror.

We all want to see some changes in different aspects of our world but who are we really waiting for to cause those changes we desire?


Most guys you discuss rape and sexual assault with will most likely condemn the act, albeit in different tones. So I then wonder who those guys are that commit the rapes we witness and hear of.

A friend of mine on facebook sent me a message about this new girl friend he got. You know, the beautiful, nice, naive and religious type. He has, according to him, developed feelings for her which he wants to portray to her via sex. Okay. But the young lady has refused adamantly and my friend is getting frustrated. He told me that he would force her the next time she came around. I was like, ‘You mean you want to rape her?’ And he said ‘Maybe’. And he asked me what he was supposed to do when she is around, just sit and stare at her?

Guys, please, I’d like to know if this is what this is all about.

I asked about ten guys in my Whatsapp contacts their views on a guy forcing a female friend into having sex with him. I wish I can print all their responses here. The good news is that five of them emphatically agreed that it is wrong, however, three think it depends on a lot of factors and would not outrightly call it rape, probably sexual assault or something. Now two told me that some ladies do not know how to say ‘sex me up’. Or some that want it but like to form. These group of ladies should be forced into submission because some of them even prefer it that way. Hmmmmm…

Man in the mirror. Sometimes when we talk of rapists, we think they look like monsters but most times they are friends, neighbours, relations which makes it harder for the victims to speak up. Many women have been sexually assaulted, molested or outrightly raped at one time or the other by guys they took as good friends. So guys, why would this change we preach not begin with you personally?

If you can force someone who trusted you to have sex with you, how are you any different from the rapist that rapes strangers?

Happy Sunday dearies!


I often harp on this, maybe because I am a she, may be because I see it as senseless and incomprehensible. I am a she therefore cannot understand why a he would resort to forcefully gain access into a female’s most prized possession, why? As in, what is wrong in choosing from among the countless, willing females everywhere?. Maybe it is the feel of having that power over her, the more she cries and struggles, the more powerful and happy he feels. It is beyond my understanding really.

Is there ever a justifiable reason for sexually molesting the weaker sex? Love, hate, indecency, lust, passion, what can make it justifiable to permanently bruise her, not just physically but psychologically too.

Dear rapist, do you pause to think of the consequences of your act before you plunge head long into it? Do you consider the fact the scars won’t heal, at least not on the inside, that nothing can completely erase it? Does it ever occur to you that she might lose her life in the process as many usually do? And when she faces the death or trauma, do you look back and feel satisfied and happy with your achievement?

What's with the craze for Rape?

What’s with the craze for Rape?

Just this morning, I read from the papers, two different cases of young girls raped to death!; “ABIA DIRECTOR FIRED FOR ALLEGEDLY RAPING 11-YR OLD MAID TO DEATH”. A Director, with his money, class and connections could have whatever kind of lady he so desires, but he chose his house maid, to maim, rape and thus murder, why? Kai!

Craze for Rape

Craze for Rape

On the opposite page was another shocking headline; “BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION: MAN, 24, ALLEGEDLY RAPES FRIEND TO DEATH”, the victim aged 18 was his guest among other people at the party.Last week, another case was reported of a lady who was raped by a policeman, a DPO at that and nothing was done about it after it was reported, in fact, according to the report, the DPO in question has been promoted since the incident. CRAZY!!!

To think that nowhere is safe is more worrisome or I would have urged parents and every female to be careful, but since even the husbands and uncles and ogas and teachers are culprits, I do not know…

This sadly is getting out of hand; this menace is becoming a norm. Asa sang that there is fire on the mountain and nobody seems to be on the run. Till the Minister’s daughter, the lawmaker’s niece, the governor’s sister, the IGP’s mother is raped, maybe then we can have some pragmatic approach to tackling this issue, may be then we will sit up and fight it squarely.


There has been growing concern over the increased rate of rape in our society. It is becoming a common occurrence these days, like a fire spreading on the mountain but funny enough, no one seems to be on the run. I wonder why.

Statistics show that about 64.4 percent of women have been raped at some point in their lives. That means that many women you know have suffered sexual violence one way or the other. But I know that there cannot be accurate statistics on the number of women that have been sexually abused because most women will not speak up.

Why will someone suffer sexual molestation and refuse to challenge the molester or seek justice against the assault? In this part of the world where I live, you are stigmatized for being raped! The victim becomes the enemy. I remember the story I read in the newspaper about a female student who was raped by another male student. The male student had a bet with his friends that he must get the girl in question because the girl was a ‘born again’ and so has refused every amorous male advance. In order to be ‘the man’, he lured her and raped her, nearly killing her in the process. When the lady took the matter up and reported the rapist to the authorities, her school mates began to maltreat and harass her like it was her fault that she was raped. How dare she embarrass the guy? This harassment was like adding salt to the injury. Imagine how you feel when a thief snatches your wallet or other valuables from you? Compare that to a guy taking away your pride, your pearl, your treasure. It is a traumatic experience on its own, and then some self-righteous group come playing the blame game. But this young student was undeterred despite the stigmatization, she prevailed till she finally got justice but at what a price! How many women will be willing to go through all that shame and embarrassment to get justice? I salute her courage because there is even no guarantee from the onset that she will get justice since society thinks she is to be blamed for being raped.

There was an argument that came up recently in the office. The guy argued that even though rape is evil, that the ladies usually ask for it. The way they dress, talk, walk and all that. Are you kidding me? So I asked if the minors, the two year olds also provoke the guys. The grandmothers of seventy/eighty provoke them? No, he said, those are peculiar cases which can only be perpetuated by an insane man. Ha! Every rapist is depraved if you ask me. There are so many willing fishes in the ocean, why force your way through the unwilling one? My grandmother told us that in their days, they only use something like beads (jigida) to cover the lower parts of their body, leaving the upper part naked. Yet, how many of them were raped in those days?

I do not support roaming the streets half naked, but to use that as an excuse to sexually molest someone is insanity.

This is the attitude of most law enforcement agents to rape victims – they asked for it, they deserve what they got. With this kind of mind set, how do you expect such law official to discharge his/her duties efficiently? The biggest hurdle however, is in proving that the act is actually rape. Sometimes when the matter is reported, those that swore to protect and serve the people scoff and say that it cannot be rape. The lady probably consented to the act so why will she turn around now and shout foul? Woe betides the lady and the culprit happens to be someone she knows, a ‘friend’, neighbor, teacher, colleague, classmate – she asked for it, husband? She must be kidding. But we know that, apart from armed robbers, most sexual molestations are carried out by men who are close to the victims and that makes it even harder to prove anything. The bureaucracy involved in establishing proof of rape and getting justice is enough to discourage the victims, so the rapists continue to go scot-free, perpetuating the acts.

Last week, a group of rape victims, comprising mostly of young girls stormed the Nigerian National Assembly to air their grievances to the lawmakers, urging them to hasten the passage of the sexual abuse bill into law. What struck me was that the media reported that these victims had to cover their faces during the protest, as if they were the dreaded terrorists. They had to protect themselves against insults and stigmatization.

How then do we hope to put an end to sexual abuse and molestation if most of us, especially the men, believe that the ladies are to be blamed for the abuse they suffer? It is a ‘long walk to freedom’. Maybe when the faithful wives, the young, innocent daughters, the precious sisters/aunts of our elite men become victims then we can sit up and begin the fight against rape?

I lend my voice to that of every rape victim in this country in begging the Nigerian law makers to pass the bill that will protect our women and girls and ensure that the rapist does not go scot-free.




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