Finding Her Voice; Finding happiness.

Category Archives: WOMEN ANGLE

Naturally, women are mothers with all the in-built traits of motherhood. They can easily share love, care for others selflessly and nurture human lives, especially of their children.

There have been many people strongly voicing the opinion that women are their own worst enemies. They opine that women possess this pull her down syndrome towards other women. Their theory is that women pull each other down.
I have always fought this school of thought. I did not want to believe that women are petty, that women are some fickle beings that allow their jealousy to blind them.

It seems I have not been completely true to myself. I came across a post on Facebook on International Women’s Day 2019 and I began to rethink. Let me share my thoughts with you.

The perpetrators and excisors of Female Genital Mutilation (FGM) are mostly women.

Harmful widowhood rites like forceful shaving of hair, drinking of water used in washing the deceased husband’s corpse, are performed by women in most places.

Women who shield their randy rapist sons and husbands while the victims asked for it.

It is women who employ house-helps and treat them like animals while their own children are treated as queens and kings.

Some women will see another woman successfully climbing the ladder of her career or business and will bad-mouth her, telling anyone who cares to listen that Ms H. slept her way to the top or had her path greased.

A supposed rich or successful dude is interested in marrying her friend’s daughter; Madam goes behind to tell dude how the girl is a prostitute and a thief.

What about that chief bridesmaid, that Bestie that has the hots for her friend’s husband, not because she loves him, but because she thinks she deserves the guy more than her friend.

Sometimes the jealousy is so mundane and meaningless, this lady walks into the room and other ladies check her out, most finding faults with her dressing, her figure or just her confidence.

Then those mothers that force their under-aged girls to marry men older than their grandfathers because of their selfish interests. Or those mothers that ridicule their 30-40 year old daughters and taunt them about marriage till they succumb into the hands of a nonentity and then the mother turns around to abuse the daughter for not being a good wife.

The mother-in-law that treats her son’s wife like rag, nothing she does is ever right because she is not good enough for her perfect son.

She is berated by other women for thinking about leaving her abusive marriage or relationship. Why? You enjoy her suffering? You wish her dead? Or you just feel good with yourself believing your marriage is better than hers?

I could rant all day, I am sure you have some to add to that list.
Why do women pull each other down?
There are a number of reasons for this despicable attitude that I could think of.
Jealousy/envy. We see others succeeding and we wish them bad. Sometimes I feel bad that I seem to be the only one not succeeding when other women are. I shouldn’t and wouldn’t allow that to plant evil thoughts within me. It would only make things worse.

Some women pull others down because it makes them feel good about themselves. They build their self-worth on the pain or failure of other women.

Some would not follow their dreams; they would rather prefer everyone to remain on the ground with them. They’d mudsling, backbite, and gossip, whatever it takes, they’d do it to see others fail.

Society teaches us that women should not be heard, that women belong to the kitchen and ‘the other room’, that she has no voice of her own, her husband is her crown. It permeates our being fuelling that jealousy at those who have unlearned these rules and forged ahead in life.

Maybe those mean traits are follow-come, maybe we learned them, whatever the case, we can unlearn them
Begin by appreciating the next woman you see, it could be she has an attractive smile, well poised, oozing self-confidence, well dressed, well mannered, there are millions of stuffs you can admire in another sister.

Assist her to achieve success, there is enough space at the top for all of us, we can share if there isn’t. Adopt a child, treat your maid like a human, help a sister get that job, or establish that business, share your knowledge. Encourage her to dare to dream, encourage her to spread her wings and soar. It won’t kill you, it will make you greater and better.

Instead of feeling jealous and becoming mean at a successful woman, get close to her if you can and learn what she did right that you are doing wrong. Rather than blame her success on prostitution or bribery, strive to be like her, let her be your mentor.

Stop the violence against fellow women. They didn’t ask for it, it could happen to the most righteous of us.
#TogetherWeRise
#DividedWeFail

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I don’t know about anywhere else, but the rate at which men are sexually molesting minors in Nigeria is alarming. It makes me wonder…

Could it be that there’s something suddenly spectacular about the little children’s private parts? Is there a scarcity of prostitutes? Maybe all the matured and willing ladies are now lesbians? I don’t understand it.

It has been a year of child molestation, from one gory incident to the other till the climax with the #JusticeForOchanya incident.

Ochanya’s father and son rapists

After the death of the little Ochanya as a result of protracted and consistent rape by father and son, the floodgates of child molestation were flung wide open.

From Benue state to Bayelsa state, from Lagos to Abuja, various cases of children being raped by teachers, neighbours and fathers abound, paedophiles everywhere.

My Issue with Caregivers

In the face of this appalling situation, some adults choose to live in a fool’s paradise while some remain careless and carefree. You read comments like ‘oh I know that guy and he is very responsible and religious’. As if that means anything these days.

Since I began my personal sensitization of parents and caregivers, it has dawned on me that lots of adults are naive and blind. I was trying to enlighten a mother of a sweet 2 year old girl, highliting it with instances of recent rape cases of minors, some younger than her daughter. Her response was that God will not allow any rapist to touch her daughter. Well, maybe God is too idle that He’d come down toclean the child’s nose on behalf of the mum. Or the molested kids are God’s arch enemies. What is wrong with her being more vigilant, or more enlightening?

What we fail to understand is that rapists are everywhere and can come in different facades, colors, status and profession. A pastor can be a rapist. A married man can be a rapist. The recent case in Bayelsa state is of a man with two wives and what my friend termed a ‘battalion of concubines’. Yet he was not satisfied.

Rapists are not necessarily vulgar, ugly momsters. They can actually be handsome, sweet, quiet and ‘responsible’. They can reside within your home, inside the school or in your place of worship.

The key is getting yourself enlightened so you can enlighten and protect your younger ones. There’s nothing wrong in teaching them about sex and rape, nothing wrong with equipping them to fight and speak up.

This is a case where prevention is definitely better than cure.

#SayNoToRape


Little Ochanya gave up the ghost on 18th of October at Otukpo General Hospital after unsuccessful battle with VVF.

Cause of Ochanya’s VVF – Ochanya Elizabeth Ogbaje contracted VVF due to the incessant assault on her tender anus and vagina for more than 3 years. She was raped and sodomized from 8 years old when she came to live with her mother’s relative. At 13 years old, Ochanya eventually lost the battle.

The Culprits

Randy father and son rapists

Whatever name you give them, they deserve it. Mr. Andrew, 51, is a Senior Lecturer. His son Victor is a final year student. Both found an 8 year old body irresistible, they found her more alluring than all the beautiful tantalizing ladies around. The son began the raping game first but when his sister discovered it and reported to the family, the father, after paying lip servicw to the issue, joined his son. Together, they raped and ssodomized Ochanya for years, destroying her young organs in the process.

The Police arrested Mr. Lecturer earlier on, but for God knows why, he was released from custody. Not only was he released, he went right back to his lectures and his normal life. The son? No one seems to know his whereabouts.

OCHANYA –

Raped and sodomized to death at 13

In pursuit of education and better life, Ochanya left her village to live with her relatives – the rapists. According to her, her woes began when she was just 8. Both men took turns ravaging her.

Wondering why she didn’t seek help? If you have ever been a victim of rape, you wouldn’t wonder. Besides, the barbarians threatened her and on occasions, drugged her into submission. Despite all her tribulations, she continued with her education which the demons terminated at Junior Secondary class 1.

And Mrs Andrew?

Knight and Lady of St. Mulumba without conscience

Ochanya’s aunt, I kept wondering about her, wondering whether she was dead, insane or simply blind. But obviously, none of the above applies to her. I personally would love to hear from her. Like, ask her how she could turn a blind eye to such inhuman acts in her home. Was she watching while her men did it? Are they all perverts? What was she thinking? How could she keep mute in such disheartening and traumatic situation? Did she hate Ochanya that much?

The Nigerian Justice System – The Police arrested Mr. Randy lecturer. He was arraigned before a court, remanded in prison custody, refused bail, yet he was home and free, going about his normal business. How did he escape from custody when there was no bail and no prison break?

Randy undergraduate son was never arrested, never charged to court, not detained. How come he is invisible? Or maybe he is simply above the law.

My heart weeps for Ochanya, for all her unsown fields, for all her unfulfilled dreams. I weep for the childhood she was denied, for the trauma she underwent for years. I weep for her pains and trauma.

Will Ochanya’s death and suffering not be appeased? Will she be denied justice even in death? Will Nigeria fail her in life and in death?

I demand #JusticeForOchanya. That is the only way her death can be endured and appeased, only when the rapist family Pay for their inhuman treatment.

#JusticeForOchanya


Sexual abuse and molestation in Nigeria is something we are all used to as females. A guy can boldly and shamelessly share the story of how he forcefully had sex with a number of girls to a mixed audience of male and female, young and old. Instead of the expected outburst from the audience, especially the female ones, don’t be surprised when you get nothing but  boisterous laughter and such comments as ‘serves the bitch right’, ‘what was she even doing alone with you?’, ‘if they won’t give you freely, you take by force, after all, you are the man’ and that ends that.

Rape in Nigeria is often the fault of the victim and therefore there is nothing to discuss or fight for, they ask for it. And so the culture of silence continues, we feed it and nurture it, all of us. We nurture it by not speaking up, by not supporting the victims, by shaming the victims, by pretending and accepting it as a norm.

I searched for #MeToo Nigeria on twitter and I came up with mostly lamentations of how it just cannot work in Nigeria – which is probably true, but can’t we just try a bit?
No, I have never been abused by a celebrity of any sort, but yes, I have suffered sexual molestation. In fulfillment of my promise in my last post, here goes…

My first gory experience with rape was after my university when I was looking for a better job than the one I had. He was my school mate in elementary school, I met him again as a course mate and the president of my departmental students’ Union in the university. He became my friend and the brother I didn’t have. This relationship continued even after school and we graduated into family friends.

My crime however, was that I pleaded with him to assist me in getting a better job, nearer home to which he gladly agreed. And when we met to discuss this issue, Buli, my friend felt that if he should help me, then I must have sex with him and when I said NO, he saw no other alternative than to forcefully have his way. He was a married man at the time, still is, with kids he adore, he is a church minister’s son. He was my friend, my brother from another mother, and he raped me and I did nothing about it aside feel sorry for myself and angry at him and myself in addition to dealing with the guilt.

My second experience with rape was just a couple of years back; you would think I would have been smarter by then. Ben used to share a shop with his brother in my cousin’s compound and my cousin’s house happened to be my second home. He was a likeable and trustworthy guy whom my cousin could entrust her shop and home to any time. He asked me out countless times and I politely declined each time. When I moved far away from home, we stopped communicating and I felt he was fed up with me.  But when I relocated back home, he became a regular visitor in my mum’s home.
He invited me to his apartment several times and I declined but my cousin told me that since he was a nice person whom we all knew, that there was nothing untoward in going to his apartment. I visited him one afternoon. After the pleasantries, Ben began to list my sins for me, how I had declined his advances for so many years, how he had loved me for ages without my reciprocating. I apologized and explained to him again that I declined because I did not love him and we began to argue back and forth.  Then he gave me the verdict that I cannot leave his apartment till I had given him sex. I guess that was my punishment and payment for all my atrocities. He locked his doors and took the keys, telling me that even the shouting spree I wanted to embark on would not help me as no one was around to hear me. After all the drama, Ben succeeded in sexually abusing me.

image

Maybe this would have helped. I think I need some lessons in taekwando.
#MeToo.

#NomeansNo
Say No to Sexual abuse



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