She hurt me real bad, in a way I did not think a friend would, but I guess she was not really a friend, more like an enemy. I cannot even bring myself to share it here because it hurts still (maybe someday I’d be able to do that). It has been months, but it feels like only yesterday. I think it hurts more because I still do not understand why I deserved such treatment or because it came like a bolt out of the blue.
I have come to realize that I need to forgive her if I want to be totally happy and unencumbered but I do not know HOW. I have tried, honestly, I have. At a point, I began to think that I have succeeded in the forgiveness process. However, when an issue close to that was being discussed elsewhere, I found my heart sinking into bitter, dark waters, a place I no longer wanted to go, I became angry and that was when I realized that I was yet to win this war.
Forgiving her is not her right, ordinarily, she does not deserve forgiveness of any kind, but I need it. I need to have that inner peace and joy, I need to be able to scroll on when I see her name on my phonebook without my heart feeling like it is being squeezed, I want to be able to smile whenever I see her post or name on facebook instead of that huge urge to unfriend her, I need to be able to wish her well sincerely whenever I think of her and imagine what she is doing. But I cannot do any of these sincerely, I try but my heart just refuses to let me. I found out that it was easier for me to pray that she rot in hell, that she meets some kind of misfortune, that someone pays her back in her own coin, but that is definitely not what I want, it is not the kind of person I want to be.
So, please, someone tell me how to forgive this pain and hurt completely. I am sure there is someone out there who can point me in the right direction on how to overcome this. I do not want to be bitter and vindictive, it is not my nature and it is depressing. I am good at forgiving and sometimes, even forgetting, but not this time. What is the practical way out? How do I free myself of this entanglement? If you know it, then please show me the way.